what did you want to be when you grew up?

In the symphony of life, our dreams compose the most beautiful notes. Let your voice be the melody that guides you to what you've always wanted to be. (Adele)

Where to begin...

You know when one random day you see a Ford Focus commercial, and ever since then it seems like that's the only car on the road?

Similarly, our struggles surface... so subtle until it's imprinted on your retina and you trip over them at every turn...

That's how I ended up in a conversation with a coach being asked about one of the most mundane things - what my dream is. And after I got past the 3 seconds where in my head I laughed mockingly, I panicked at the emptiness... I had no answer.

"You are playing it safe, my dear" - I was snapped out of my spiral by her remark that came as a slap in the face. Out of the blue, I remember a meeting with a cousin of mine who had come to visit Constanta on a summer holiday. I think I wasn't older than 14. He asked me what kind of car I would like when I got my license... and hurried to tell me his answer, I heard: Aston Martin. I replied: Ford Focus.

... almost 10 years later, I bought my first car (yep, the one in the pic) - guess which model :-)

Not only has this whole confrontation about my ambitions carved its way gently to the bone, not knowing why and when I suppressed my desires, but it also got me well stuck in the present, up to the point that it frustrated me any time my husband extended an invitation to discuss what villa we're getting in Portugal while on vacation there. Why doesn't he understand that I'm only dreaming achievably and that anything else is a sentence to disappointment and grief...

So it went on...

In therapy and several introspective discussions with my dear and supportive friends... from where this visualization exercise was inspired. It completely crushed me in pain and overwhelmed me to tears.

When I think of 5-year-old Elena and how she used to sing at kindergarten recitals, but obviously also in a wagon somewhere in the countryside of Romania (an artistic moment for which I am still famous in my family - pics below), I am deeply saddened that I know what I am going to say to her, and the truth is unfair and devastating to her and how she dreamed of being a singer.

I imagine her next to me, I kneel down, and when I feel her warm hand in my palm, I burst into tears. An innocent child's look... I gulp and tell her that her dream still didn't come true until she was 33 and I feel so sorry for her.

I hug her and I realize she's comforting me. Holding me tight, she tells me she knows I did my best and that she's glad I came back to her. She's sad, but she's not crying. The look in her eyes gives me hope. She trusts me that from now on I know what I have to do.

Instantly I'm afraid of disappointing her again, but her presence makes me cry even harder because all she's imparting is that she will love me unconditionally...