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I'm a big fan of animation movies, so yes, you got that right - it is Ferdinand, the cute black bull who traded fighting into arenas to fight for who he truly is.
The one where I find my solid green chair
For many years I was taught to trust hard evidence - if there was no visible damage, nothing needed to be fixed. It was the time or the culture where “our bodies could not speak” and willpower could overcome EVERYTHING!
There was little room for girls like me to make any kind of “mistakes” - from not getting the best grades in school to even getting ill. I felt so guilty I could not control my body… and so ashamed. I was diagnosed with urinary incontinence when I was about six. My caring mother took me to see all kinds of doctors. My lovely grandma was experimenting with her entire holistic treatment book on me. I love them and appreciate everything they did for me.
It was not until years later when I miraculously stopped wetting my bed as an outcome of winning a bet with my mom when I asked her to buy me a puppy. Could this be willpower?
Fast forward a few years ago I had everything figured out for myself (career, relationships, family & friends, money, fun & hobbies). Now what could go wrong with having this set of beliefs of “facts not feelings” that were part of my upbringing?
The one where the chair’s legs brake
I hit rock bottom as my foundation could not cope with such an “earthquake”. I had this vivid image in my head of desperately trying to swim in a stormy sea and I could physically feel that I was running out of air. I had my first panic attack when I realized how emotionally vulnerable I was and how the world might expect me to “do my job” - to rescue everybody. But how could I live up to such expectations when I was drowning myself? Every life pillar I had turned out to be unreliable and as that struck me, I fell into a horrible depression - the type when you see how powerless you are and feel guilty about being mentally ill in the face of the ones around you.
For a long time after that, I searched for the right doctors, medication, and therapies until I found out my actual diagnosis - bipolar disorder. I've been through tens of episodes varying from the lowest depressions to the highest manic ones.
If you check any DSM-10 reference, manic episodes sound a bit more “fun”. Well… I was violent, reckless and felt like I was constantly possessed by something. If you watched “Minions 3”, it was a yellow minion - purple minion situation. These were the times when I was thinking about punishing myself the most and so in the brief moments I was aware of what was happening, I was contemplating killing myself so that I could make this pain go away - the pain of hurting the loved ones who were there taking all the punches from how I acted in my purple minion state.
It was the first time I talked to my therapist about what advantages I get from impersonating that character when I got really angry. I was outraged by her question, how could you see any advantages in this?!
Slowly I embraced the idea of shifting my perspective and saw how my disease was PROTECTING ME.
“When you stand at the edge of the cliff, jump to fly, not to fall.”
The one where I grow superpowers
I’m managing a chronic illness. I found out what it was “teaching” me and I am continuously learning to listen to my mind, body and spirit. I found out how unselfish it actually is to put yourself first and how to define healthy boundaries.
I asked myself “what if this is the best state I can be in?” so I recreated a new aligned, robust Elena. I accepted and loved myself and started to invest more in myself: mindfulness, NLP, art therapy, coaching, yoga, sports, healthier eating habits, good sleep hygiene. All these lifted me from the ground along with my broken chair.
I am a perfectly chemically imbalanced person and that is my superpower.
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